5 Reasons Award Shows Give Me Anxiety

Last night Mr. Weenie worked behind the scenes at the Texas Film Hall of Fame Awards Show. He does it every year—designing the stage and doing the technical direction. I attended the first year but haven’t been back since. Here are some reasons why:

1. Awards shows make me nervous. I’m constantly cringing at how uncomfortable the celebrities look on the red carpet. And why do all the women have their hands on their hips? It’s not like they have any arm fat to hide.

2. Watching the sycophants reporters interview the celebs makes me feel sad.

3. I don’t understand why they insist on having the cameras focused on the losers. That’s just mean. How many of those people actually practice their “I’m a loser” faces before the ceremony? My guess? All of them. (Except Mel Gibson, who pretty much looks like a loser all the time.)

4. How evil is it that the reporters tell the red carpet walkers how lovely they look and then publish stories about Angie Harmon’s Björk impression and Anne Hathoway’s superpower of turning completely invisible when she wears beige?

5. The worst part of the ceremony by far is the acceptance speech. While the prepared speech appears presumtuous, the unprepared is even worse. Not only don’t I care  how grateful the winner is to the dolly grip and best boy, but I literally hold my breath, waiting for the inevitable embarrassing blunder.

Now if you were to say it’s easy for me to be so judgmental from my couch, you would be correct. If I were ever to win an award I would probably make every mistake in the book, with the added probability of tripping and spilling my drink on Russell Crowe. Fortunately, the only award I am likely to get is for being the most boring couch potato of the decade, and I don’t think they have a trophy for that, although a golden pillow would be nice.